"The Borowitz Report" - New Study Finds iPad is Cure for Adultery; Owners ‘Stop Noticing Other People Altogether’

May 19, 2011

Mandatory Equipment for New Chief, IMF Says

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – A new scientific study released today says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”

According to the study, commissioned by Apple, Inc., iPad use disrupts what scientists agree are the necessary first stages of extramarital sex: “noticing, admiring, and talking to other people.”

The study, which was conducted on a sample of one thousand iPad owners, found that not only did iPad use make them thoroughly uninterested in extramarital sex, “their nonstop talking about the amazing features and apps on their iPads made them completely unattractive to potential sex partners as well.”

The study also indicated that iPad owners are far less likely to have sex with the people they are married to, but that in two-iPad couples “neither partner seems to care.”

The new findings about the iPad drew widespread praise for the tablet device, including an official seal of approval from the National Association of Housekeepers and Maids.

In Europe, the International Monetary Fund announced that the iPad would be “mandatory equipment” for any candidate who hopes to take the helm of the IMF.

In Washington, presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the latest findings about the iPad made him interested in purchasing one, “but first I’ve got to pay off this damn Tiffany’s bill.”

In other political news, potential presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said today that she was preparing for the GOP debates, including “studying up on where the Boston Tea Party took place.”