Paul Krassner - Predictions for 2012
January 10, 2012 Politics: The electoral college will be replaced by a system where voters will choose the polling firm they trust the most. Barack Obama will be re-elected because his vice-presidential running mate Joe Biden will be replaced by Hillary Clinton, thereby gaining the women's vote. Failed Republican campaigners will all take other jobs. Mitt Romney will start smoking a pipe and portray the character Bob Dobbs in a movie about the cultish Church of the Subgenius. Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will launch the bipartisan Adultery Party in 2016, joined by Democrats John Edwards and Bill Clinton. Ron Paul will unite with RuPaul and they'll perform onDancing With the Stars. Rick Santorum will be caught in an airport bathroom stall enjoying a gay encounter. Michele Bachmann will launch a lie-detector company. Rick Perry will copyright the word "Oops." And it will be revealed that Donald Trump was actually born on Mars; he will have a birth certificate to prove it, along with a photo of himself as a typical Martian baby with a comb-over.
Show Business: Vegetarian converts will include Lady Gaga, who will wear a dress made entirely of heirloom tomatoes, and Meatloaf will change his name to Tofuloaf. Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy will win Academy Awards for best male and female actors. Angelina Jolie will legally adopt Brad Pitt. Kim Kardashian will get married and divorced on the same day. The Tea Party will become a popular sitcom. Capital punishment executions will become a top-rated reality TV series. The Second Coming of Jesus Christ will occur live on a three-hour special to be telecast on every single channel simultaneously, with an offstage voiceover narration by God. Atheists and agnostics will picket the production, only to be struck by lightning. Howard Stern will expose himself on America's Got Talent. The Taliban and al-Qaeda will be the final competitors on The Biggest Terrorists. Hulu and Netflix will merge as Huflix.
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